“And…
only 5 minutes were left to go! Standing in front of the mirror, I was looking
at those depressed eyes and that anxious face. In order to try n make things
better, I was patting my own back and boosting myself,”Yes, you can do it”. And
it was when I saw my phone ringing. As I went towards it and looked at it, all
my pats suddenly started hurting. All my gathered encouragement was shattered
within seconds. I was filled in with the sense of extreme fear. Oh yes! I can tell
that from the sweat sliding through my forehead, which ruined my make-up and
made me look like a melted ice-cream. I, with my shivering hands, picked up the
phone and heard the ugliest nightmare of my life. The words came running
towards me and burned all the veins of my brain and scratched my heart to the
core. And within a minute, I felt destroyed, as if I could never bloom; I felt
collapsed, as if I could never be built; I felt broken, as if I could never be
healed. Suddenly everything around me seemed to be quite blurred and dusty.
Some strange sounds kept rushing towards me and I felt stuck. I felt like
drowning. Drowning, in the world of
evils and demons. I felt like captured. I felt like ceased.
Suddenly
I was back to senses and realized that those dreadful five minutes were over and
now it was my turn. So, putting another patch of makeup, I also put a fake
smile on my wrecked face and fixed my costume of the ‘real world’. But my feet
were still heavy and lips felt dry. My eyes had lost their entire spark and my
heart was still wandering in the dark. But at that very moment, the inner me
whispered, “grab the spirit and..Let it go…its show time.” And with this, I jumped
upon the stage and stood between those huge bright lights with all their eyes
focused upon me. My funny arrival
brought a blow of laughs from the cheering, enthusiastic crowd of the audience
wing. I jumped again, danced around, I spinned off and deliberately fell on the
ground. Another wave of laugh came towards me. These laughs popped out of those
hundreds and thousands of happy and shining faces. But all I could hear was, a
loud nuisance that danced in an echo around me which was making me miserable
than I ever was. But I kept smiling. My heartbeats were racing among
themselves. But I kept spinning the colorful balls and made them fall upon me.
My breaths were lost and were searching for their life. But I kept climbing on
the ropes and kept falling again on the ground. My mind was choked and my ears
felt too hot. But I kept dancing with the funny hats on my head. My body had
lost all its energy. But I kept rolling on the wheels and kept falling again
and again…and again. I act madly. I acted insane. But, I kept going on. I was
lost, but I laughed. I was dead, but I made people laugh. Finally, at the end,
I bowed down on their applauds and let the warm drops of my tears touch the
core, of the hard floor….
Vanishing from
the theater within seconds, I quickly rushed home carrying my wrecked face
along with the same crumbled costume. I reached and was freezed at the
doorstep. While, there she was...lying calmly on the floor. That burned beautiful
face, those tiny warm hands, that roasted cleanse skin, those cold pink lips,
those dry little feet and that pure small heart, lied lifelessly. My eyes became
cold but she seemed to be peaceful. Today, she did not welcome her dadda with a
tight hug and lots of complaints about mumma. Today, she did not draw or paint
or color. Today, she did not leave her tiffin unfinished and hide it out of
fear. Today, she did not jump or climb or spin the colorful balls in the air to
act like her dadda. Today, she did not talk, she did not cry, she did not fall.
Today, she did not ask, "but daddy why?" Her gorgeous smiles, her happy laughs,
her stumbled dances and her self- composed songs just dissolved in the air. Her
innocence, her sweetness, her naughtiness and her brilliance just vanished
somewhere. And there she was...quiet and numb. And there I was...standing with my
weakened and painful knees, drenched in sweat but completely drained from
within. But now the tears rolled down my painted cheeks and my mask just fell
off.”
Yes, after all, we all are clowns in our story of life, aren’t we? We all
need to have those forced smiles and fake laughs as our best companions while
walking into the real world. We hide our darkest truths under our painted
masks. We carry the cloak of our ugliest nightmares and cover it with our colorful,
funny hats. We sustain our weaknesses and color them with our cheerful smiles. We
are likely to cover our tears, our anxiety, our grieves and our screams under
that crumbled costume. We tend to fill the glowing colors within the scratches
of our guilts, our pain, our tears and our wail. And thus, we all perform our
perfect roles on the stage of life in this huge, chaotic theater. We all climb,
we all fall, but we all laugh and make others laugh. Yes, we all act, for our
survival. We all act, for our living. We all pretend, for our needs. We all are
the clowns of our lives..indeed. Because now, it’s the show time, and only 5
minutes are left to go…
#mannkasturire
